Excuse Me?

Sometimes, I want to scream at people that they have no idea what they're talking about. It infuriates me to see people talking about a subject like they understand it, when they honestly haven't been there, even if they think they have, to a degree. Once you have been there, you'll agree with me.

It really comes down to this: if you haven't, you haven't. Almost doesn't count. All you understand the perspective of those who have been in that same position. You don't understand (from experience) anything else.

So why do people think it is okay to pass judgement on situations they've never been in? It's one thing to theorize. That's fine. It's totally cool to talk about what you think you might have done, or what you would like to do, if you were ever in that situation. But you weren't. So to say you understand it is a lie.

Take parenting, which I have blogged about before. You don't understand a parent's perspective if you've never been one. You can't argue with me on that. I am a parent. I know what it's like to not be a parent, and I know what it's like to be one. If you haven't been on both sides, you can't understand both. End of story.

Pregnancy is the same. Never been pregnant? You don't know what it's like. Leave it alone. Don't judge. Don't push your opinion, unless you're a doula or midwife or doctor, etc., and your opinion is more fact and research than personal perception. No personal basis for your opinion? Keep your mouth shut, because you have no ground to stand on.

And then we come to birth. Had an epidural at 4cm? Don't tell me you know "how bad contractions are." Mine was botched, and I still don't say I know what an entirely natural childbirth was like. First time around I had a full spinal/epidural at 4.5-5cm, so I didn't even talk about "real" transition contractions. Then, I had a small dose of a mild muscle relaxer and some slight numbness in non-vital areas due to an epidural that didn't take at ALL in my second birth, so I had a mostly natural birth (I felt everything pelvically, that's for sure), but I don't say I had an unmedicated birth. I don't say that I know what that's like. I don't say anything other than what I experienced. I don't have any idea what a c-section is like, or an episiotomy, so I don't talk about them in that regard. I have nothing personally to go on. And I certainly don't pass judgement on others' perceptions. Someone may tell me that they didn't have so much as a Tylenol and it didn't hurt, and I believe them. Why? Because everyone perceives things differently. What hurts me worse than anything else I've ever felt might not even be a twinge of pain to someone else.

That's why you don't judge. My broken toe might hurt more than yours, even though they were technically the same injury. Why? Because I have a lower pain tolerance than you. Think your job is more stressful than the ones I've had? You might be right, because you find different things stressful than I do.

So if you haven't been through something, don't pass judgement on it. Don't say it's not as bad as everyone says, if you haven't really gone through it. Because you don't really know. It's just insulting to say otherwise. Please be respectful of those who have been there.