Excuse Me?

Sometimes, I want to scream at people that they have no idea what they're talking about. It infuriates me to see people talking about a subject like they understand it, when they honestly haven't been there, even if they think they have, to a degree. Once you have been there, you'll agree with me.

It really comes down to this: if you haven't, you haven't. Almost doesn't count. All you understand the perspective of those who have been in that same position. You don't understand (from experience) anything else.

So why do people think it is okay to pass judgement on situations they've never been in? It's one thing to theorize. That's fine. It's totally cool to talk about what you think you might have done, or what you would like to do, if you were ever in that situation. But you weren't. So to say you understand it is a lie.

Take parenting, which I have blogged about before. You don't understand a parent's perspective if you've never been one. You can't argue with me on that. I am a parent. I know what it's like to not be a parent, and I know what it's like to be one. If you haven't been on both sides, you can't understand both. End of story.

Pregnancy is the same. Never been pregnant? You don't know what it's like. Leave it alone. Don't judge. Don't push your opinion, unless you're a doula or midwife or doctor, etc., and your opinion is more fact and research than personal perception. No personal basis for your opinion? Keep your mouth shut, because you have no ground to stand on.

And then we come to birth. Had an epidural at 4cm? Don't tell me you know "how bad contractions are." Mine was botched, and I still don't say I know what an entirely natural childbirth was like. First time around I had a full spinal/epidural at 4.5-5cm, so I didn't even talk about "real" transition contractions. Then, I had a small dose of a mild muscle relaxer and some slight numbness in non-vital areas due to an epidural that didn't take at ALL in my second birth, so I had a mostly natural birth (I felt everything pelvically, that's for sure), but I don't say I had an unmedicated birth. I don't say that I know what that's like. I don't say anything other than what I experienced. I don't have any idea what a c-section is like, or an episiotomy, so I don't talk about them in that regard. I have nothing personally to go on. And I certainly don't pass judgement on others' perceptions. Someone may tell me that they didn't have so much as a Tylenol and it didn't hurt, and I believe them. Why? Because everyone perceives things differently. What hurts me worse than anything else I've ever felt might not even be a twinge of pain to someone else.

That's why you don't judge. My broken toe might hurt more than yours, even though they were technically the same injury. Why? Because I have a lower pain tolerance than you. Think your job is more stressful than the ones I've had? You might be right, because you find different things stressful than I do.

So if you haven't been through something, don't pass judgement on it. Don't say it's not as bad as everyone says, if you haven't really gone through it. Because you don't really know. It's just insulting to say otherwise. Please be respectful of those who have been there.

Friendly Advice

I am a very opinionated person. I will be the first to admit that. It is very hard to bite my tongue when I see someone doing or promoting something I don't agree with, but I understand that that is their right, and diversity of beliefs is a good thing. We all have something we can learn from each other, even if it's simply perspective.

But when I see someone making choices based on outright bad information (or no real information at all, just "habit" or "hearsay"),  I worry that they'll later learn the truth and regret their decisions. So, I offer them unbiased research featuring the pros and the cons of what they're considering, to help them make the best choice for them. If they decide to go ahead with their original choice, okay! That means they won't have regrets due to lack of information, and I can be at peace with that. I'm not doing it to change their minds, but rather to reassure both myself and them that they are truly making an informed choice. It isn't an informed choice if you don't know what your choices are, right?

So how is it that when I offer this research, I am perceived as being judgmental? Why is it a bad thing to make sure that the people I care about make their decisions based on real, solid facts? Should I not care? Should I sit back and allow them to "just do whatever they want," when I know that the reasons they've stated for choosing something aren't based on facts? Should it not bother me that someone I care about might later be devastated because they find the truth and regret their choices later in life?

Like I said, I'm not trying to talk them out of anything. I'm not trying to make them choose as I would. I just want them to have all the information in hand before they make any decisions. If the evidence I give them confirms that they were doing the right thing for them all along, then great! Helping friends/family feel assured in their choices is a wonderful thing! And if the evidence I give them makes them rethink things, and they change their minds, will they not be grateful that I spoke up and stopped them from making what would ultimately be a mistake?

There are a lot of things in my life that I wish someone had warned/told me about before I messed up. Yes, some things you just have to learn for yourself, but not all things. I wish someone had told me, before I went into labor, that I didn't have to lie flat on my back to labor and push if I didn't want to, because my first birth would have gone a lot differently had I known that. I wish someone had told me about upper lip ties and such making breastfeeding more painful, because then I might have succeeded in nursing my younger daughter. I wish someone would have taught me about ergonomic babywearing with my first, because the narrow-based carrier I had was so uncomfortable for both my daughter and myself that I stopped using it, and being able to wear her would have made my life so much easier. I could go on and on about all the hard lessons I've learned that I wholeheartedly wish someone had told be about beforehand.

So I ask you: if you saw someone you love/care for making bad decisions based on shaky logic/outdated evidence that you have solid proof is wrong, would you give it to them? Would you speak up for their sake (not yours) and give them all the facts, so that they can either be reassured and proceed, or change their minds, and be grateful to you either way? Would you be able to respect their choice if they decided to go ahead with their original plan? I'd like to think I can. I'm an advocate of informed choice, in all things. I won't list any hot-button issues here, because I don't want this to turn into a debate about anything specific, but I refuse to sit back and let someone make what might be a huge mistake, when my coming forward with facts (and the research to back them up) could make a difference, either way. It comes from a place of love and caring, not judgement and pushiness.