A New Chapter

Well, here I am! I found my old blog, which I started back in 2005, but I can't for the life of me remember which email address I used to start it, nor can I remember the password. Which means I can't edit it, or delete it, or anything of the sort. Joy. But I have now created this new blog (whose name is name stolen from my old blog =P), to go along with this new chapter in my life.

A lot has happened to me since I last kept a blog, and much of it has happened in just the last 2 years! For starters, I got engaged. I dropped out of college (for many reasons), I moved out of my parents' house, I switched jobs numerous times, I got laid off once, and I just now started a new job! I am, next month, going to turn 22 years old. I have been married for nearly 3 months. I have choreographed 3 productions in the last 9 months. I have been in a few productions, as well. I have won an acting award, gone on an amazing vacation (my honeymoon), made several new friends, and realized that I am following a completely different path than I always thought I would, and I couldn't be happier!

But it isn't all a bunch of roses. It hasn't all been "good." Things have been tough. I've gone through a good bit of *ahem* crap. I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've hit a lot of dead ends. I'm pretty stressed about a lot of things, and I know the next few years of my life aren't going to be easy. But if there's one thing I have learned in my years (few as they are), it's that there is always a silver lining. There is always good to be found in every situation, even if you can't find it at the time. I look back now at so many of the "crises" I had when I was a teenager, and they all seem silly to me now. It's because of this hindsight that I know that in a few years, the troubles I have now will seem insignificant, too. It's because of this that I am able to smile, and look at all the good things I have surrounding me, and be happy with my life. I have so many reasons to be happy.

I am married to a wonderful man, for starters. He balances me in every way. We have enough in common that we can share so much, but we are different enough that we don't clash all the time. Communication with him is so easy, and even though we have our rough times, I know that no matter what, our goal will always be to better ourselves and our relationship, and not to just "win the argument." It's so wonderful to know that not only do I have a lover in him, I have a companion, a helpmeet, a partner, and a true friend. I love him, and he loves me. Unconditionally. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in this world.

Another wonderful thing in my life is my job. I just started it on August 17th, and I could not be happier with it. Not just because I've been unemployed since February, though! I love my co-workers, I love my customers, I love the business, and I love the work itself! Who would think that working at a coffee shop could bring one such joy? I've worked at a coffeehouse before, but....let's just say that it was less than satisfactory in several ways. (And that's being nice.) Now, though, when it's time to go to work, I don't drag my feet and wish I could stay at home; I get into my car eagerly, and I look forward to what my shift will bring! Having that kind of enthusiasm, and knowing that it will last, is amazing. I've never truly felt that before, except when I was teaching dance. I never thought I'd feel it in any workplace other than a dance studio. It's a real blessing, and I am thankful for it every day, now that I have it.

Oh, and where would I be without my friends and family? Sad, lonely, unhappy, and depressed, that's where! I don't really feel the need to say too much more than that, other than that I love them, all of them, and I cannot picture life without my dear, dear friends, and my loving, supportive family.

.....................This blog post is REALLY starting to sound like a cheesy award acceptance speech......will someone cue the music and get me off the stage? =P

But seriously. Back to business.

Now, I said before that my life is heading in a different direction than I thought it would. That's not completely true. I always wanted to be happily married around age 22-ish, and I have accomplished that. I always wanted to stay involved in theatre, and I have done that, too. But it seems that, as a child and a young(er) adult, I had big dreams of fame and fortune and, well, Broadway/Hollywood! I thought I'd go to a fancy college, and get my Bachelor's Degree, and go for my Master's, and then get "discovered" in some college or community theatre play and get whisked off to New York or LA. I still wanted the marriage and kids thing, but for some reason I thought I'd be balancing it with a glamorous career in theatre or dance. Now.....I really don't want that. I honestly can't stand the thought of being famous. I'd love to perform on Broadway, or be in a movie, but.....I just don't like the idea of "fame." I want my life to be mine. I want my privacy. I want my (future) kids to grow up like I did, in a close-knit family, that just goes through everyday life, without the paparazzi and the media analyzing every little detail.

You may not think that's a very big difference. I have all the fundamental things I wanted, like marriage and my theatre and such, right? The thing is, I went until age 18, only 4 years ago, thinking that that was what I wanted. I had myself convinced that that was my ideal future. I knew the consequences of fame, but I chose to ignore the hard facts, and I just went on dreaming. But then life hit me. I met the man I was destined to marry, and suddenly all I could think of was a cozy home, with a husband and children.

I still want to do theatre, but my little community theatre fits perfectly into that niche. I would still love to teach dance, but again, my theatre life takes care of that. I still want the things I wanted before, but the scale of them has changed so drastically, and the personal wants and desires have taken a backseat to......well, to life. And that doesn't bother me one bit. The funny thing is, it wasn't one of those gradual changes, where you slowly adapt to new dreams and ideals as your world changes around you. No. It was a sudden, instantaneous thing. One day I was rehearsing a play and envisioning a talent scout in the audience on opening night noticing me, and the next I was dreaming of being a stay-at-home mom! Quite an about-face, if you ask me.

Oddly enough though, when I met him, I didn't envision our future. I didn't wonder if he was "the one." I didn't think about how it would "all work out." We were just together, and falling in love came so naturally that we hardly noticed it happening. It was so relaxed, and easy, and such a change from the way my life had always been. It was a change from the way I had always been! I had always been the type of girl who wrote, "Mrs. So-and-so" on everything, and pictured my wedding with my current boyfriend, and all of that silliness. With my (now) husband, I didn't do any of that. I just...........adjusted.

All this makes me wonder: did I ever actually want all that grandeur? Were those ever real dreams? Does this happen to every girl who meets and marries the man of her dreams? I always knew I wanted to be domestic, but I also wanted the limelight and the excitement of fame. That changed. Maybe it happened because I "grew up," or because I became more "realistic." I don't know why it happened, but it did happen.

My parents, no doubt, noticed the change in me. My friends certainly did. I, however, didn't at the time. It was such a smooth transition that I didn't even think about it till my dad mentioned it in the "roast" he'd planned on giving at my wedding rehearsal dinner. I read what he'd intended to say, and it really got me thinking. So, I looked back over my memories of that time in my life, and I realized that he was right.

I still wonder why. I find it strange. I don't quite understand it. There are so many possible explanations for why it happened the way it did. But I don't question it. And I wouldn't change it for the world.