Dear Diary

Why, all of a sudden, do I feel like writing so badly? Why is it that I want to put my thoughts down, even if they aren't that important, or even if I really can't think of anything to write about? What has happened to me, that I am quickly becoming an avid blogger? Sure, I used to keep a journal when I was younger, and yeah, I used to write short stories all the time, but I haven't really been into writing for awhile now. Why is that changing?

Maybe I'm just now recovering from college, and all the endless papers I had to write. Maybe I've become a more open person, and I'm more willing to let people in on my thoughts. Maybe getting married and getting involved in "real life" has sparked something within me. Maybe I'm starting to take after my dad, and therefore I see deep meaning in everything, even in which direction the wind is blowing. (Love you, Daddy =P) Maybe I've become more opinionated. Perhaps I've developed a stronger liking for the conflict and energy and passion of a good debate.

........................Maybe not.

Don't get me wrong, I have always enjoyed debating. It's always been fun for me to express my opinion, and to hear the opinions of those around me, and then talk about it with them. I always liked having calm, intelligent debates, on many different subjects. I've been told numerous times, by many different people, that with my love of arguing, I should be a lawyer. The idea never really appealed to me, but it's still an interesting thought!

I don't think that's why I'm writing now, though. I don't think I'm writing for the feedback. I don't think I'm doing any of this to spark debates. (Though that may change in the future.) I don't think it's as simple as just wanting to get things off my chest, though.

To tell the honest truth, I'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from. The most likely cause is that I'm becoming more interested in current events and the like, and now that there are so many thoughts filling my head, I have to put them down. Not in order to get the off my chest, but to get them out of my head so that I can really look at them, and figure them out.

Once things are written down, it's so much easier for me to process them. Thoughts get so muddled when they're left in my head. It's so easy for them to get lost, especially now that I'm doing so much more thinking. Once I get them out, I can look at them objectively. It's easier to be honest with myself, and find the truth, if I get my thoughts and ideas down where I can read them. Even just the act of writing/typing it all out makes me think about it, and it helps me to actually understand what I really believe, and why I believe it. It forces me to deal with it, as hard as that can be sometimes.

Because, really, let's be honest with ourselves here. We, as humans, are masters of deception. We are particularly adept at lying to ourselves. I don't want to lie to myself. I want to understand myself. I don't want to hide me from myself, as strange as that sounds. Even though I know it won't be easy, I want to work toward that goal. How can I better myself if I don't analyze myself? How can I fix my faults if I don't even understand what they are? And how can I express an opinion, if I'm not even sure why it's mine?

I think I want to think. I want to understand. I want to analyze. I want to know me, back to front, inside and out. How am I to learn, and apply what I learn to everyday life, if I don't know what it is that I need most to learn? How can I fix what I don't know is there? How can I expect from others what I refuse to do, myself?

I'm good at understanding other people. I'm a decently good judge of character. I love psychology. When other people have personal problems, I'm always able to understand what went wrong. When people make mistakes and come to me for advice, I can always help them to figure out their mistake, and show them how to fix it within themselves. I'm empathic, and I find it easy to put myself in others' shoes. I "get" how people feel, and think, and it's a very simple matter for me to look at their problems objectively, pinpoint the problems, come up with a solution, and help them see the truth, all without dragging them down.

I don't say this to brag. I say it to prove a point. That point is: I can't do that with myself. I get completely lost in my own problems. It's so easy to help others, but I am utterly helpless when it comes to me. It's all because I can't view myself objectively. I can lie to myself. I can hide behind my protective walls, and keep the truth about myself at bay. I don't like that. I don't want it to be that way anymore. So, I write.

I write for understanding. For now, it's about self-discovery. I write so that I can understand myself as easily as I understand other people. There are some things about me that I do know. One, I am opinionated. But why? And about what? Two, I am a Christian. But why? Three, I am mostly a Conservative in my political beliefs. Why is that? I want to know why. I want to see me as others see me. And I want to make "me" better.

So I will write. When something strikes me and I get to thinking, I will write about it. Maybe in doing so, it will help me to learn a little something more about me.

This certainly did =)