Why, all of a sudden, do I feel like writing so badly? Why is it that I want to put my thoughts down, even if they aren't that important, or even if I really can't think of anything to write about? What has happened to me, that I am quickly becoming an avid blogger? Sure, I used to keep a journal when I was younger, and yeah, I used to write short stories all the time, but I haven't really been into writing for awhile now. Why is that changing?
Maybe I'm just now recovering from college, and all the endless papers I had to write. Maybe I've become a more open person, and I'm more willing to let people in on my thoughts. Maybe getting married and getting involved in "real life" has sparked something within me. Maybe I'm starting to take after my dad, and therefore I see deep meaning in everything, even in which direction the wind is blowing. (Love you, Daddy =P) Maybe I've become more opinionated. Perhaps I've developed a stronger liking for the conflict and energy and passion of a good debate.
........................Maybe not.
Don't get me wrong, I have always enjoyed debating. It's always been fun for me to express my opinion, and to hear the opinions of those around me, and then talk about it with them. I always liked having calm, intelligent debates, on many different subjects. I've been told numerous times, by many different people, that with my love of arguing, I should be a lawyer. The idea never really appealed to me, but it's still an interesting thought!
I don't think that's why I'm writing now, though. I don't think I'm writing for the feedback. I don't think I'm doing any of this to spark debates. (Though that may change in the future.) I don't think it's as simple as just wanting to get things off my chest, though.
To tell the honest truth, I'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from. The most likely cause is that I'm becoming more interested in current events and the like, and now that there are so many thoughts filling my head, I have to put them down. Not in order to get the off my chest, but to get them out of my head so that I can really look at them, and figure them out.
Once things are written down, it's so much easier for me to process them. Thoughts get so muddled when they're left in my head. It's so easy for them to get lost, especially now that I'm doing so much more thinking. Once I get them out, I can look at them objectively. It's easier to be honest with myself, and find the truth, if I get my thoughts and ideas down where I can read them. Even just the act of writing/typing it all out makes me think about it, and it helps me to actually understand what I really believe, and why I believe it. It forces me to deal with it, as hard as that can be sometimes.
Because, really, let's be honest with ourselves here. We, as humans, are masters of deception. We are particularly adept at lying to ourselves. I don't want to lie to myself. I want to understand myself. I don't want to hide me from myself, as strange as that sounds. Even though I know it won't be easy, I want to work toward that goal. How can I better myself if I don't analyze myself? How can I fix my faults if I don't even understand what they are? And how can I express an opinion, if I'm not even sure why it's mine?
I think I want to think. I want to understand. I want to analyze. I want to know me, back to front, inside and out. How am I to learn, and apply what I learn to everyday life, if I don't know what it is that I need most to learn? How can I fix what I don't know is there? How can I expect from others what I refuse to do, myself?
I'm good at understanding other people. I'm a decently good judge of character. I love psychology. When other people have personal problems, I'm always able to understand what went wrong. When people make mistakes and come to me for advice, I can always help them to figure out their mistake, and show them how to fix it within themselves. I'm empathic, and I find it easy to put myself in others' shoes. I "get" how people feel, and think, and it's a very simple matter for me to look at their problems objectively, pinpoint the problems, come up with a solution, and help them see the truth, all without dragging them down.
I don't say this to brag. I say it to prove a point. That point is: I can't do that with myself. I get completely lost in my own problems. It's so easy to help others, but I am utterly helpless when it comes to me. It's all because I can't view myself objectively. I can lie to myself. I can hide behind my protective walls, and keep the truth about myself at bay. I don't like that. I don't want it to be that way anymore. So, I write.
I write for understanding. For now, it's about self-discovery. I write so that I can understand myself as easily as I understand other people. There are some things about me that I do know. One, I am opinionated. But why? And about what? Two, I am a Christian. But why? Three, I am mostly a Conservative in my political beliefs. Why is that? I want to know why. I want to see me as others see me. And I want to make "me" better.
So I will write. When something strikes me and I get to thinking, I will write about it. Maybe in doing so, it will help me to learn a little something more about me.
This certainly did =)
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Politics
I need to get a few little thoughts out of my head. They have been bugging me, and I need to write them out. So, here goes.
I hate politics. Elections have become popularity contests, instead of tools with which to choose a fitting leader. The two "parties" in our government are both hypocritical and extremist, and neither listens to what the other is saying, nor do they even listen to themselves!
I'm tired of the people around me choosing sides, and then dissing the opposite side. I'm tired of people thinking they know everything about each issue, and getting mad when people don't agree with them. I'm tired of the arguing, when people could just agree to disagree. Whatever happened to that sentiment? People just love to fight over their beliefs, and it can get truly ridiculous, even disintigrating into name-calling at times! I'm tired of this attitude in America! Everyone just wants to be right! No one wants to listen, or to have their eyes opened or their minds changed. No one really wants to know the truth, because then they'd have to deal with it.
I don't claim to know everything. I don't claim to be either open-minded or close-minded. I just listen. I watch. I hope for the best, even if there's no real reason for that hope. I pray for understanding. Sometimes I get it. Other times, I'm as clueless as the next person. I've been known to put my fingers in my ears and refuse to pay attention to reality, just as nearly everyone has at some point. But I'm trying to do better, now. Everyone should care. But not to the point of obsession. Not to the point where they're dragging down their fellow Americans for believing something idfferent than they do.
Why can't people realize that it's not about being right, or about winning, or about beating down the opposition? It's about working together toward a common goal! No President (or his/her administration) is ever going to be able to make everyone happy. There are always going to be critics and dissenters who don't like their methods. There will always be those who disagree. The government needs to quit trying to "please the crowd," and actually deal with things! If they mess up, then they can be replaced. If they do well, then everyone benefits! Why must there be all this fuss and fighting?
Our nation needs to quit expecting their elected officials to be perfect! No one is perfect. I don't think we've had anyone in office, here in America, who is truly evil. So many Americans seem to think Bush was horrible, and others are convinced that Obama will bring our nation crashing down even farther. It's ridiculous!
What our nation needs, really, is to put things into perspective. You want an example of a bad leader? Here's an obvious one: Hitler. Or maybe Stalin? Castro? Mussolini? Pol Pot? If you think Bush was bad, you've got another thing coming. If you think Obama's the Antichrist, take a look at these guys. NEVER assume the worst, because you're probably wrong.
People need to take a look around them and realize how good we actually have it. Sure, things could be better, but they could be so much worse! We can choose our own religion! We don't have slavery! We have the right to protect our own homes and property. Heck, we have the right to HAVE property! We have wonderful hospitals, and clean water, plenty of food, and decent sanitation. Our armed forces are excellent, and keep us safe. We don't have war marching on our homeland. We have a system of education, and even though it isn't perfect, at least we have access to libraries and technology and classrooms and teachers and books and maps and everything else we need!
I guess my point is, quite simply, this: stop fighting, people! Be grateful for what you have, and appreciate it! There is no reason for all this hate. Sit back, live your lives, and watch and see what this administration will do. They aren't evil. They haven't proven themselves either way. They may turn out to be exactly what our country needed, or they may turn out to be awful! Who knows, at this point? Let's band together and see what happens, so that if the time comes when we need to march against our government, we have the strength to do what's necessary.
We have to work together as a common people for a common goal, no matter what that goal ends up being. United we stand, remember? This country was founded on the belief that people should be allowed the freedom to believe what they choose. So why, now, are we showing such hate towards those with different beliefs? Seems somewhat counter-intuitive to me. This is America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. Let's start acting like it.
I hate politics. Elections have become popularity contests, instead of tools with which to choose a fitting leader. The two "parties" in our government are both hypocritical and extremist, and neither listens to what the other is saying, nor do they even listen to themselves!
I'm tired of the people around me choosing sides, and then dissing the opposite side. I'm tired of people thinking they know everything about each issue, and getting mad when people don't agree with them. I'm tired of the arguing, when people could just agree to disagree. Whatever happened to that sentiment? People just love to fight over their beliefs, and it can get truly ridiculous, even disintigrating into name-calling at times! I'm tired of this attitude in America! Everyone just wants to be right! No one wants to listen, or to have their eyes opened or their minds changed. No one really wants to know the truth, because then they'd have to deal with it.
I don't claim to know everything. I don't claim to be either open-minded or close-minded. I just listen. I watch. I hope for the best, even if there's no real reason for that hope. I pray for understanding. Sometimes I get it. Other times, I'm as clueless as the next person. I've been known to put my fingers in my ears and refuse to pay attention to reality, just as nearly everyone has at some point. But I'm trying to do better, now. Everyone should care. But not to the point of obsession. Not to the point where they're dragging down their fellow Americans for believing something idfferent than they do.
Why can't people realize that it's not about being right, or about winning, or about beating down the opposition? It's about working together toward a common goal! No President (or his/her administration) is ever going to be able to make everyone happy. There are always going to be critics and dissenters who don't like their methods. There will always be those who disagree. The government needs to quit trying to "please the crowd," and actually deal with things! If they mess up, then they can be replaced. If they do well, then everyone benefits! Why must there be all this fuss and fighting?
Our nation needs to quit expecting their elected officials to be perfect! No one is perfect. I don't think we've had anyone in office, here in America, who is truly evil. So many Americans seem to think Bush was horrible, and others are convinced that Obama will bring our nation crashing down even farther. It's ridiculous!
What our nation needs, really, is to put things into perspective. You want an example of a bad leader? Here's an obvious one: Hitler. Or maybe Stalin? Castro? Mussolini? Pol Pot? If you think Bush was bad, you've got another thing coming. If you think Obama's the Antichrist, take a look at these guys. NEVER assume the worst, because you're probably wrong.
People need to take a look around them and realize how good we actually have it. Sure, things could be better, but they could be so much worse! We can choose our own religion! We don't have slavery! We have the right to protect our own homes and property. Heck, we have the right to HAVE property! We have wonderful hospitals, and clean water, plenty of food, and decent sanitation. Our armed forces are excellent, and keep us safe. We don't have war marching on our homeland. We have a system of education, and even though it isn't perfect, at least we have access to libraries and technology and classrooms and teachers and books and maps and everything else we need!
I guess my point is, quite simply, this: stop fighting, people! Be grateful for what you have, and appreciate it! There is no reason for all this hate. Sit back, live your lives, and watch and see what this administration will do. They aren't evil. They haven't proven themselves either way. They may turn out to be exactly what our country needed, or they may turn out to be awful! Who knows, at this point? Let's band together and see what happens, so that if the time comes when we need to march against our government, we have the strength to do what's necessary.
We have to work together as a common people for a common goal, no matter what that goal ends up being. United we stand, remember? This country was founded on the belief that people should be allowed the freedom to believe what they choose. So why, now, are we showing such hate towards those with different beliefs? Seems somewhat counter-intuitive to me. This is America, the land of the free and the home of the brave. Let's start acting like it.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
A New Chapter
Well, here I am! I found my old blog, which I started back in 2005, but I can't for the life of me remember which email address I used to start it, nor can I remember the password. Which means I can't edit it, or delete it, or anything of the sort. Joy. But I have now created this new blog (whose name is name stolen from my old blog =P), to go along with this new chapter in my life.
A lot has happened to me since I last kept a blog, and much of it has happened in just the last 2 years! For starters, I got engaged. I dropped out of college (for many reasons), I moved out of my parents' house, I switched jobs numerous times, I got laid off once, and I just now started a new job! I am, next month, going to turn 22 years old. I have been married for nearly 3 months. I have choreographed 3 productions in the last 9 months. I have been in a few productions, as well. I have won an acting award, gone on an amazing vacation (my honeymoon), made several new friends, and realized that I am following a completely different path than I always thought I would, and I couldn't be happier!
But it isn't all a bunch of roses. It hasn't all been "good." Things have been tough. I've gone through a good bit of *ahem* crap. I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've hit a lot of dead ends. I'm pretty stressed about a lot of things, and I know the next few years of my life aren't going to be easy. But if there's one thing I have learned in my years (few as they are), it's that there is always a silver lining. There is always good to be found in every situation, even if you can't find it at the time. I look back now at so many of the "crises" I had when I was a teenager, and they all seem silly to me now. It's because of this hindsight that I know that in a few years, the troubles I have now will seem insignificant, too. It's because of this that I am able to smile, and look at all the good things I have surrounding me, and be happy with my life. I have so many reasons to be happy.
I am married to a wonderful man, for starters. He balances me in every way. We have enough in common that we can share so much, but we are different enough that we don't clash all the time. Communication with him is so easy, and even though we have our rough times, I know that no matter what, our goal will always be to better ourselves and our relationship, and not to just "win the argument." It's so wonderful to know that not only do I have a lover in him, I have a companion, a helpmeet, a partner, and a true friend. I love him, and he loves me. Unconditionally. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in this world.
Another wonderful thing in my life is my job. I just started it on August 17th, and I could not be happier with it. Not just because I've been unemployed since February, though! I love my co-workers, I love my customers, I love the business, and I love the work itself! Who would think that working at a coffee shop could bring one such joy? I've worked at a coffeehouse before, but....let's just say that it was less than satisfactory in several ways. (And that's being nice.) Now, though, when it's time to go to work, I don't drag my feet and wish I could stay at home; I get into my car eagerly, and I look forward to what my shift will bring! Having that kind of enthusiasm, and knowing that it will last, is amazing. I've never truly felt that before, except when I was teaching dance. I never thought I'd feel it in any workplace other than a dance studio. It's a real blessing, and I am thankful for it every day, now that I have it.
Oh, and where would I be without my friends and family? Sad, lonely, unhappy, and depressed, that's where! I don't really feel the need to say too much more than that, other than that I love them, all of them, and I cannot picture life without my dear, dear friends, and my loving, supportive family.
.....................This blog post is REALLY starting to sound like a cheesy award acceptance speech......will someone cue the music and get me off the stage? =P
But seriously. Back to business.
Now, I said before that my life is heading in a different direction than I thought it would. That's not completely true. I always wanted to be happily married around age 22-ish, and I have accomplished that. I always wanted to stay involved in theatre, and I have done that, too. But it seems that, as a child and a young(er) adult, I had big dreams of fame and fortune and, well, Broadway/Hollywood! I thought I'd go to a fancy college, and get my Bachelor's Degree, and go for my Master's, and then get "discovered" in some college or community theatre play and get whisked off to New York or LA. I still wanted the marriage and kids thing, but for some reason I thought I'd be balancing it with a glamorous career in theatre or dance. Now.....I really don't want that. I honestly can't stand the thought of being famous. I'd love to perform on Broadway, or be in a movie, but.....I just don't like the idea of "fame." I want my life to be mine. I want my privacy. I want my (future) kids to grow up like I did, in a close-knit family, that just goes through everyday life, without the paparazzi and the media analyzing every little detail.
You may not think that's a very big difference. I have all the fundamental things I wanted, like marriage and my theatre and such, right? The thing is, I went until age 18, only 4 years ago, thinking that that was what I wanted. I had myself convinced that that was my ideal future. I knew the consequences of fame, but I chose to ignore the hard facts, and I just went on dreaming. But then life hit me. I met the man I was destined to marry, and suddenly all I could think of was a cozy home, with a husband and children.
I still want to do theatre, but my little community theatre fits perfectly into that niche. I would still love to teach dance, but again, my theatre life takes care of that. I still want the things I wanted before, but the scale of them has changed so drastically, and the personal wants and desires have taken a backseat to......well, to life. And that doesn't bother me one bit. The funny thing is, it wasn't one of those gradual changes, where you slowly adapt to new dreams and ideals as your world changes around you. No. It was a sudden, instantaneous thing. One day I was rehearsing a play and envisioning a talent scout in the audience on opening night noticing me, and the next I was dreaming of being a stay-at-home mom! Quite an about-face, if you ask me.
Oddly enough though, when I met him, I didn't envision our future. I didn't wonder if he was "the one." I didn't think about how it would "all work out." We were just together, and falling in love came so naturally that we hardly noticed it happening. It was so relaxed, and easy, and such a change from the way my life had always been. It was a change from the way I had always been! I had always been the type of girl who wrote, "Mrs. So-and-so" on everything, and pictured my wedding with my current boyfriend, and all of that silliness. With my (now) husband, I didn't do any of that. I just...........adjusted.
All this makes me wonder: did I ever actually want all that grandeur? Were those ever real dreams? Does this happen to every girl who meets and marries the man of her dreams? I always knew I wanted to be domestic, but I also wanted the limelight and the excitement of fame. That changed. Maybe it happened because I "grew up," or because I became more "realistic." I don't know why it happened, but it did happen.
My parents, no doubt, noticed the change in me. My friends certainly did. I, however, didn't at the time. It was such a smooth transition that I didn't even think about it till my dad mentioned it in the "roast" he'd planned on giving at my wedding rehearsal dinner. I read what he'd intended to say, and it really got me thinking. So, I looked back over my memories of that time in my life, and I realized that he was right.
I still wonder why. I find it strange. I don't quite understand it. There are so many possible explanations for why it happened the way it did. But I don't question it. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
A lot has happened to me since I last kept a blog, and much of it has happened in just the last 2 years! For starters, I got engaged. I dropped out of college (for many reasons), I moved out of my parents' house, I switched jobs numerous times, I got laid off once, and I just now started a new job! I am, next month, going to turn 22 years old. I have been married for nearly 3 months. I have choreographed 3 productions in the last 9 months. I have been in a few productions, as well. I have won an acting award, gone on an amazing vacation (my honeymoon), made several new friends, and realized that I am following a completely different path than I always thought I would, and I couldn't be happier!
But it isn't all a bunch of roses. It hasn't all been "good." Things have been tough. I've gone through a good bit of *ahem* crap. I've made a lot of mistakes, and I've hit a lot of dead ends. I'm pretty stressed about a lot of things, and I know the next few years of my life aren't going to be easy. But if there's one thing I have learned in my years (few as they are), it's that there is always a silver lining. There is always good to be found in every situation, even if you can't find it at the time. I look back now at so many of the "crises" I had when I was a teenager, and they all seem silly to me now. It's because of this hindsight that I know that in a few years, the troubles I have now will seem insignificant, too. It's because of this that I am able to smile, and look at all the good things I have surrounding me, and be happy with my life. I have so many reasons to be happy.
I am married to a wonderful man, for starters. He balances me in every way. We have enough in common that we can share so much, but we are different enough that we don't clash all the time. Communication with him is so easy, and even though we have our rough times, I know that no matter what, our goal will always be to better ourselves and our relationship, and not to just "win the argument." It's so wonderful to know that not only do I have a lover in him, I have a companion, a helpmeet, a partner, and a true friend. I love him, and he loves me. Unconditionally. It's one of the most wonderful feelings in this world.
Another wonderful thing in my life is my job. I just started it on August 17th, and I could not be happier with it. Not just because I've been unemployed since February, though! I love my co-workers, I love my customers, I love the business, and I love the work itself! Who would think that working at a coffee shop could bring one such joy? I've worked at a coffeehouse before, but....let's just say that it was less than satisfactory in several ways. (And that's being nice.) Now, though, when it's time to go to work, I don't drag my feet and wish I could stay at home; I get into my car eagerly, and I look forward to what my shift will bring! Having that kind of enthusiasm, and knowing that it will last, is amazing. I've never truly felt that before, except when I was teaching dance. I never thought I'd feel it in any workplace other than a dance studio. It's a real blessing, and I am thankful for it every day, now that I have it.
Oh, and where would I be without my friends and family? Sad, lonely, unhappy, and depressed, that's where! I don't really feel the need to say too much more than that, other than that I love them, all of them, and I cannot picture life without my dear, dear friends, and my loving, supportive family.
.....................This blog post is REALLY starting to sound like a cheesy award acceptance speech......will someone cue the music and get me off the stage? =P
But seriously. Back to business.
Now, I said before that my life is heading in a different direction than I thought it would. That's not completely true. I always wanted to be happily married around age 22-ish, and I have accomplished that. I always wanted to stay involved in theatre, and I have done that, too. But it seems that, as a child and a young(er) adult, I had big dreams of fame and fortune and, well, Broadway/Hollywood! I thought I'd go to a fancy college, and get my Bachelor's Degree, and go for my Master's, and then get "discovered" in some college or community theatre play and get whisked off to New York or LA. I still wanted the marriage and kids thing, but for some reason I thought I'd be balancing it with a glamorous career in theatre or dance. Now.....I really don't want that. I honestly can't stand the thought of being famous. I'd love to perform on Broadway, or be in a movie, but.....I just don't like the idea of "fame." I want my life to be mine. I want my privacy. I want my (future) kids to grow up like I did, in a close-knit family, that just goes through everyday life, without the paparazzi and the media analyzing every little detail.
You may not think that's a very big difference. I have all the fundamental things I wanted, like marriage and my theatre and such, right? The thing is, I went until age 18, only 4 years ago, thinking that that was what I wanted. I had myself convinced that that was my ideal future. I knew the consequences of fame, but I chose to ignore the hard facts, and I just went on dreaming. But then life hit me. I met the man I was destined to marry, and suddenly all I could think of was a cozy home, with a husband and children.
I still want to do theatre, but my little community theatre fits perfectly into that niche. I would still love to teach dance, but again, my theatre life takes care of that. I still want the things I wanted before, but the scale of them has changed so drastically, and the personal wants and desires have taken a backseat to......well, to life. And that doesn't bother me one bit. The funny thing is, it wasn't one of those gradual changes, where you slowly adapt to new dreams and ideals as your world changes around you. No. It was a sudden, instantaneous thing. One day I was rehearsing a play and envisioning a talent scout in the audience on opening night noticing me, and the next I was dreaming of being a stay-at-home mom! Quite an about-face, if you ask me.
Oddly enough though, when I met him, I didn't envision our future. I didn't wonder if he was "the one." I didn't think about how it would "all work out." We were just together, and falling in love came so naturally that we hardly noticed it happening. It was so relaxed, and easy, and such a change from the way my life had always been. It was a change from the way I had always been! I had always been the type of girl who wrote, "Mrs. So-and-so" on everything, and pictured my wedding with my current boyfriend, and all of that silliness. With my (now) husband, I didn't do any of that. I just...........adjusted.
All this makes me wonder: did I ever actually want all that grandeur? Were those ever real dreams? Does this happen to every girl who meets and marries the man of her dreams? I always knew I wanted to be domestic, but I also wanted the limelight and the excitement of fame. That changed. Maybe it happened because I "grew up," or because I became more "realistic." I don't know why it happened, but it did happen.
My parents, no doubt, noticed the change in me. My friends certainly did. I, however, didn't at the time. It was such a smooth transition that I didn't even think about it till my dad mentioned it in the "roast" he'd planned on giving at my wedding rehearsal dinner. I read what he'd intended to say, and it really got me thinking. So, I looked back over my memories of that time in my life, and I realized that he was right.
I still wonder why. I find it strange. I don't quite understand it. There are so many possible explanations for why it happened the way it did. But I don't question it. And I wouldn't change it for the world.
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