And You Know This How?

As a mother, I find it extremely annoying when people who do not have children give parenting advice, and in my experience, I've found that most other parents feel the same way. I think it's rude, and presumptuous, and generally ill-advised, and yet it comes from a well-meaning place in the heart of the giver.

I did plenty of baby-sitting as a teenager, I was a children's dance teacher from age 15, and my only brother was born when I was 9 (in some ways I was like a third parent to him), so I considered myself well-versed in childcare before I became a mom. Oh my, how very wrong I was. I was used to taking care of other peoples' children, but when it comes to my own it's completely different territory. Not only are all children different, and therefore what works for one child may not work for another, but there's also the fact that nothing can prepare you for the responsibility of molding the little life that has been put entirely into your care.

I definitely regret some of the "advice" I gave before I had my little one. I've only had 14 1/2 months' worth of parenting experience, but I've learned enough to know that if you haven't "been there, done that," your advice is all but worthless. I would never offer advice to the parent of a child older than mine, because as good as my intentions might be, it wouldn't carry any weight. It's all well and good to say things like, "hang in there," or, "you can do it," etc., but that's really as far as any non-parent should take it.

If you've never been pregnant, you can't know how it feels, and you certainly can't understand the mental and physical state of the mother. If you've never given birth, you can't pass judgement on a woman who chooses to/not to have an epidural/c-section/natural birth, etc, because you never know what you might do under similar circumstances. And if you are not a parent (adoptive or biological), you cannot know what it is like, and you can not give advice or judge, because you have no perspective or basis for judgement. It's like having someone who has never touched a drop of alcohol as an AA mentor; if you haven't experienced it, there's really no way you can understand it. So please, keep your opinions to yourself until you have something concrete - like a toddler of your own - to base them on. Find another way of offering your mental and emotional support, and the parents in your life will greatly appreciate it.