Friendship

"That's what friends are for!"




This is a phrase one hears all the time, from people of all walks of life. But what does it really mean? Deos everyone have the same definition in mind? Who defined the term "friend" in the first place? Whose definition are we meant to go by when there's a disagreement? Everyone seems to have a very personalized view of what makes a true friend, and this can cause serious issues when problems arise within a friendship. Perhaps we should all lay ground rules when beginning a friendship, or create a "friends' pre-nup" of sorts. But before we can do this, we have to form our own personal definition of what we think constitutes true friendship.



Over the course of my life, I've had a lot of close friends, not-so-close friends, aquaintences, and romances. I've known a lot of very, very different people. And almost all of them have their own ideas about what a "real friend" should and shouldn't do. I've had a lot of fights with friends about this, both as a child and an adult. Some said I was too clingy, others that I wasn't clingy enough, and so on and so forth. At first I thought that this meant I couldn't be friends with these people, because we were just too different. But over time, I came to discover that that's not true at all. It's our differences that bring us together, and I love being friends with people that aren't just like me. (I'd probably hate being friends with myself, anyway.) What needs to happen in situations like this is simply that you must make your expectations of one another clear, just like in a romantic relationship.



So, since this is my blog, I'm going to talk about my definition of real, true, deep friendship. First, I think I'll start by listing some of the definitions of a true friend (that have stuck with me) that I've heard/found over time.

1. Someone who accepts you for who you are, the good the bad and the ugly, and doesn't try to change you or anything.
2. Someone who knows when to shut up and when to talk, who isn't afraid to be honest with you no matter how much it hurts you, because they know it's better for you to hear the truth from them than for them to support you lying to yourself.
3. Someone you can connect with on both an emotional and an intellectual level.
4. Someone with whom distance doesn't matter; you can be apart for years and pick up right where you left off.
5. Someone you can support, and who can support you, through good and bad times.
6. Someone you can have fun with, and share your favorite activities without the pressure of deeper needs.
7. Someone who helps you to better yourself, and who you help in the same manner, without making each other feel judged or inadequate.
8. Someone with similar interests.
9. Someone you can talk to about anything.
10. Someone who is like family to you.

Why did these stick with me? What is it about them that struck a chord with me? Well, some of them, such as #'s 1 and 6, stuck with me because they make me cringe. Others, like #'s 2, 7, and 10, stayed with me because I agree with them completely. But none of them, I feel, really describe true friendship.

So how do I define a friend? Not an aquaintence, or one of those friends you kind-of-sort-of-but-not-really know, but a real, meaningful friend? I don't think it's nearly as simple as those definitions I listed made it seem. When I think of what I'm looking for out of friendship, what comes to mind is very complex. But if I had to put it into just one, simple phrase, I look for someone who, when I'm around them, I find that I like myself better. A person like that, who brings out the best in me and helps me to shape myself into the kind of person I want to be, is a true friend in my book.
 
Of course, all the superficial things like shared interests and such come to mind, but that's not what's really important on a deeper level. What is important to me is that my friend and myself constantly (conciously and unconciously) work together to become better people, even if it means pointing out one another's faults and the like. The truth hurts, but if you can't handle hearing it from your friend, then you're not really friends at all.
 
So much goes into the formation of the real, deep, meaningful bond that ties people together as "friends." Everyone seems to have their own definition of what exactly that bond entails. But there's one thing everyone agrees on: everyone needs a friend (or two....or more....), and quality is far more important than quantity.